Other than Christmas

As I mentioned in my WriteAnything article this month, not everyone adores Christmas. Some people downright loathe it. I think it’s fine, mostly because I don’t force myself to do things like sing in a choir or overindulge. I eat exactly the right amount of baked salmon and chocolate (which is admittedly quite a lot) and I don’t pretend the magical season means I can suddenly sing. So it’s ok.

For those who hate it, though, I have some suggestions that might help you shake things up.

Christmas alternatives

• A zombie movie marathon. Or, if you prefer, some other kind of horror movie marathon. Horror movies make me happy, so this one works for me. See what you think. Another alternative would be clown movies. Clowns are freaking horrifying.
• A fast. Yes, a fast at Christmastime. Try NOT eating everything in sight. If you’re at “home” for the holidays with family that wants to feed you this one might be particularly exciting. Try not to offend Grandma.
• Read a non-Christmas-themed book. Maybe check out the banned books list from the ALA. Many of them were banned due to Christian ideals, so it's relevant.
• If you’re a writer, write a summertime story. Really non-seasonal. Make sure there’s a lot of sun and watermelons. Aussies, write something based on another planet.

Let me know if you have any other suggestions for those attempting to avoid this unavoidable season. Otherwise, Merry Christmas!

WriteAnything: "Happy Merry Xmas Scrooge-Time"

Happy Christmas! Or is it?

"Christmas" doesn't inspire thoughts of spiced wine and good will for everyone. Head over to WriteAnything to read my take on the personal nature of words, and how to add truth to your writing by giving your character an honest human perspective rather than something written by the Disney Channel.

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Photo: MERRY CHRISTMAS!! by Paula Steele on flickr

"How To Write" by Jen

There is a lot of advice out there teaching you How To Write. But the literature is clearly incomplete because I have not yet written my version of the How To Write post/article/book. So here it is. Finally. Definitively. Life-changingly.

How To Write

By Jen

First, you will need to be familiar with a language. English is fine, but you might also choose French, Japanese, or Urdu. It doesn't matter which so long as you know it well enough to communicate using this language. You must also know how to record this language, ie. what it looks like when it's written down or otherwise presented in a visual manner rather than vocally.

Then, you need the tools to record the language visually. The simplest method is pen and paper. Actually, the simplest method is quill and parchment. You might also upgrade the parchment to a Moleskine LEGENDARY notebook and the quill to something like this:

But that isn't necessary. Anything will do, even a brand new Macbook Pro laptop computer with 2.4GHz quad-core Intel Core i7 processor with 6MB shared L3 cache (as long as it has a keyboard.)

Next, you will need space and time. The Doctor is a useful ally in this quest, as long as he trusts you with his TARDIS, but in a pinch you can organize your own space and time so for instance you have half an hour at your kitchen table after work, or an hour in your public library on the weekend.

The last elements you need are all inside your head. Be careful with this one because it could get messy. You will need two of the following: a character, a setting, and a plot. Three is great, but two is all that's necessary. Be sure to be specific, too. For example, "a dog" is not a character, but "the dog Rex" is a character. "A boat" is not a setting but "The cruise ship Princess Petulance" is a setting. Specificity is very helpful for later.

If you're having trouble with a plot, just remember that it is a sequence of events that leads from one thing to another.  For example, the sequence of events between getting married and having a baby, or the sequence of events between being born and dying of malaria. This is where specificity will really help you out, because if your character is "a guy called Alexander the Great," your plot is "dying of malaria," and your setting is "the city-state Babylon," you have a pretty epic story going on that people will believe.

So now you have all the elements required to write, and now you know how to write. Well done. If you have all these elements and you'd still like more guidance, you're actually looking for advice on How To Write WELL, and this is not the guide for you. Sorry. But I can give you a hint based on everything I've heard from writers around the world:

All the news that's fit to print

I was going to post about how there'd been some good news for Britain's libraries lately. I was inspired by the announcement that Somerset Council has reversed its library cuts after a court ruling that it had breached equalities legislation. It's also nice that there's a "Libraries are great!" book being published and its contributors include Stephen Fry and other celebrities people adore.

Then I started searching for the other good news things I'd seen lately and I couldn't find any. Actually, I found bad news all over the place. Too much to link to, as if every news source is determined to report on every failed protest and potential volunteer programme, and anyway, why would I link to that? People still walk into my library and accuse staff of not providing the quality service they've come to expect because there aren't enough staff or there aren't as many magazine subscriptions as there used to be or the newest books are getting too old--seemingly oblivious that library cuts mean a worse library service no matter how hard we try. All in all, I am no longer inspired to write about how the future of Britain's libraries are looking up.

Sorry. I will try again soon.

Of course, a bit of scandal always lightens the mood: the National Library of Wales has accepted 300,000GBP from a Nazi collaborator, so that's interesting. But can Nazis ever lighten the mood? You tell me.

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Photo: finally...some good news! by debaird at flickr

What dreams may come

Last night I dreamed I was hosting a dinner party for a lot of people from high school that I didn't like. Don't get me wrong: I didn't loathe anyone in high school, but there were a fair number of people to whom I was viciously indifferent. They were all in my house: sitting, staring, and they all had high school hair. You know, high school hair: alarmingly dated and full of product to make sure that not a hair is out of place. Hours go into these awkward hairstyles, time that would have been better spent with soap and water, but never is, creating helmet-head acne-ridden weirdos who think they're Tiffany. Ah, high school.

So there we were, in my enormous dream house, and they were all having a terrible time because of two things I'd done wrong. One, I'd sat them separately or in couples around the place, at little tables with candles, as if I wanted them all to date each other. I have no excuse for this. I can't explain it. And two, it was freezing, and the only way to warm up was to pump on a massive bellows attached to a fire pit at one end of the hall. I'm not sure how I could have fixed this to make a better dinner party, to be honest.  If this was the way I'd heated my home, they should have damned well dealt with it.  I also heard a rumour floating around that they didn't like the red wine, which had been specially made by leaving seeds in very stiff grapes and slicing them in a particular way. It sounds good to me, but I guess my guests were assholes.

My point is: wow, dreams are crazy, and they arrive in very much the same way that writing ideas arrive (for those of you who incessantly ask writers "Where do you get your ideas?" this is for you.) Not from dreams, but from the same crazy place, where the experiences of your day are tossed with memories you didn't know you had, and then vigorously shaken through with imaginative elements that no one can predict.

I wish I could try that wine.

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Photo: Tapas basement restaurant by Matt DeTurck on flickr

Viva le revolution!

I've been away.

Well those photos don't match up, but you get the idea. I've been away in the City of Love (supposedly.) I can't say I paid attention to how much love anyone else was getting, and I'll keep the details of my own holiday to myself, but that's just not how I'd describe Paris, France. City of History, possibly, or City of Museums and Monuments, or maybe City of the Most Beautiful Church on a Small Hill that You'll Ever See. And of course City of Inspiration.

The first time I visited Paris I arrived dragging a large backpack with a small Canadian flag patch sewn on it. This time I was less of a cliche, and more mature. Honestly.

Darth Does DaVinci

But I still wouldn't mind forgetting about home, my job, and everything else and finding a tiny apartment somewhere in the shadow of le Sacre Coeur, setting up with a typewriter (or let's face it: I'd still need my laptop) and writing my little Bohemian heart out.